What I Needed Most

"Briana, how are you? I want you to have fun and learn . don't let the paperwork frustrate you so much that you aren't enjoying the experience. You have all of the tools that you need to be successful. So stop looking behind you and look forward to new experiences. Don't hinder yourself. You have my number and there is a reason for that. you can vent, talk, cry or whatever.I push you because you remind me of myself. It will all come together but I need you to push yourself like you never have before. I'm here to help and won't allow you to hold yourself back. Dive in and enjoy every moment."

-some much needed words of encouragement from my clinical instructor, a CCU nurse (what I aspire to be one day)

pack your bags

After exactly 2 years, I will fly to Bolivia on July 28. It still doesn't seem real.

Travel Bug

It needs to happen soon.

Spinster Status

Everyone says that good guys finish last. Yeah well, I think good girls finish last too.

Serve Me Up a Nice Slice of Cold Hard Truth

The truth hurts.

Until you suppress it; manipulating it, before even knowing you've created a monster. You are then left with a mangled mess of confusion, elevated hopes and disillusion - a hell of a lot to work through. You talk yourself into a situation when you know deep down inside you should be running like mad. The truth hurts so you turn it into a lie and then act surprised when it backfires. Yep, I know all too well. I guess that's what I get for being a natural optimist. I could pick the good out of a war. I give the benefit of the doubt. I see the potential, then feel the devastation when it is wasted.

Logic, rationality and gut feelings...may you continue to win.

Oh Well

So I went on a wonderful date yesterday. Brunch, making fun of things in an antique store, then hours of wandering downtown Chattanooga. I needed that.

Too bad nothing will ever come of this as distance and circumstances play major factors. Que vamos a hacer? La vida es asi.

Jack of all Trades

I'm currently working at a peds clinic.

I'm loving the EKG course I'm taking.

I would love to work Neuro CCU after graduation.

Planning on doing lots of medical mission trips. Possibly Doctors Without Borders?

Definitely going to grad school. Nurse practitioner? CRNA? I know I eventually want to teach.

The world is my playground :)

I'd rather die than to be with you.

Secrets

UPDATE: Oct. 1, 2013. It's funny how time changes things. A few of these secrets (as I'm about to note) are no longer valid.

1. I don't see myself getting married. - Not true anymore! Time and experience has changed my mind on this topic, but that's a whole other blog :)
2. I tolerate everyone yet there are only few whom I actually like.
3. Heartbreak sucks (refer back to #1)
4. I crave change.
5. As a result of #4, I am often restless.
6. I am naturally a free-spirit.
7. I am an extrovert, yet love being alone.
8. I express myself the best through spoken words.
9. I wish there were proof of God's existence, or at least an easier way to believe (the concept of faith baffles/angers me). - Oh honey, it is only through hindsight that I see just how far I've come in this area. Thank you God.
10. I've never been in love. - I have. It has felt wonderful, it has hurt, it has opened my eyes.
11. I think it'd be cool to travel to a foreign country alone.
12. I find myself driven by emotion a little bit more than logic and rationality.
13. I don't know if I want kids (somehow that makes me appear like a horrible person).
14. The person I trust most in the whole world is my mother.
15. The person I admire the most in the whole world is also my mother.
16. I hate cooking and am rather inept at it.
17. I would rather die than be a housewife.
18. My mom raised me right and I am proud to be a genuine, realistic, and confident person.
19. I find debating theories senseless and boring. If there were a better way to think/do, then we'd already be doing it dammit! - mmm not so much, people aren't that smart ;)
20. I don't know if my heart will ever be completely content. - Yes you will.

"Perhaps it is better to die alone than live in eternal purgatory."

-Sherlock Holmes

Pathetic

If there were a prize for holding on to something the longest, I would win. Every once in a while I remember why it is that after more than a year I am still not over him. It's intricate. He came at a time when I was alone. Literally alone, in a foreign country dealing with the ghosts of my childhood and coming to terms with it. He came at a dark place when the humor and lightheartedness of our conversations was a saving grace for me. The romantic buried deep deep down inside is also to blame. Traveling through foreign lands together. The anticipation, sights, sounds, moments and most of all, hopes. Those long bus rides through Bolivian countrysides, the music, the conversations. None of these really forgotten because lastly, it's become a habit. Holding on has become a habit. Even though he's clearly moved on, I have clearly not. I keep mulling over memories as my way to keep something that has long ago died, alive. I know that this is doing more harm than good. I know that. But it's better than making the idiotic mistake many girls make by staying in the inadequate relationship. I was the smart one. I made the right decision by breaking it off. I'm supposed to be the one who has moved on dammit and he's supposed to be the one heartbroken! But no, it doesn't work that way apparently. So for now, at least in this moment, I will allow myself to feel, to remember, to cry, but just a little. Because any more would just be pathetic.