Briana and Life: what I've learned

I'm not as adaptable as originally thought

I'm a hell of a lot braver than originally thought. Although I don't always feel it.

I hate asking people for help. Of any kind.

I've become a lot more introverted. I am often alone with my thoughts because it's hard to express myself in a language that I'm still learning. Not to mention the culture's close mindedness...people wouldn't understand my point of view. Very frustrating.

I'm more cautious. Especially with people. I have learned that you can't trust easily-people talk.

Rebellious

Angry

Resistant to the rules of the university

I've realized how much I hate not being in control. And how in some instances, I really don't care about being in control.

My first Thanksgiving away from home

I actually forgot what today was until my mom called me and wished me a Happy Thanksgiving.
Thought I'd make a list of things I am thankful for. Here's to my favorite holiday ever ever ever! (well after Christmas that is...)

1. MY MOTHER, STEPFATHER, AND MY TWO AWESOME BROS ELI AND JOSHY

2. Realization. I am slowly starting to make sense of some things.

3. Good health

4. The opportunity to be in Bolivia

5. People I can actually trust

6. People that understand

7. My sense of humor to get through the awkward/tough times here...:)

8. Care packages from my family, Laura, and Jorge

9. the occasional wi-fi in my dorm room

10. The year-round spring temperature that Cochabamba is so famous for.

11. sprinting

12. my spanish is improving!

13. people that pray for me

14. Christmas music :)

Some interesting things that happened today: I gave 2 injections, started filming the Univ. promo video which is to be put on the website.

3 months and my scattered thoughts

I can't believe I've been here for three months! A lot has happened, so I'll just upload pics and describe as I go. In more recent news, my aunts from La Paz, and Brazil came to visit me a couple days ago.

 Mark Finley has been here at the UAB preaching this week. I met him yesterday. He is tall.

 Christmas break is in less than a month. I will be traveling to Chile and BRAZIL!!!! I am so excited. I can't wait to escape the rules of this dorm.

Today I went out to eat with la doctora and her friend. Twas fun to escape for a little bit. Just to catch you up, the doctor here is a really good friend of mine. (You can imagine why, I don't know how many times I've had to go see here for minor ailments such as typhoid and parasites.) I will be sad when she leaves for Argentina in January to finish her schooling. :(

This past weekend was fin de mes, the one weekend out of every month where you are allowed to leave for a couple days. I went to my friend Lori's house. We actually met at Southern where we both attend, but lives here in Vinto, Bolivia. Small world huh?

I just got over a cold. It sucked.

Summer is coming.

SImon Patiño

Fin de semana

Unrealistic expectations

I thought Bolivia would magically solve all my problems.

Concerning God. I thought that being in a place thousands of miles away from familiarity would force me to rely on Him. I have learned to get along just fine without much help from Him.

Concerning discipline. I thought that since all my classes were in another language, that it would force me to study harder. I have learned to procrastinate and slack just as much as I did at Southern. I thought that all the strict rules would somehow mold me into a structured, more adaptable person. I have learned to resist the rules. I despise my lack of freedom. I hate being treated like I'm 12. I don't like how the deans are suspicious of me-like all American girls like to go out and get drunk every night or something. Getting up at 5 every morning for worship still sucks as much as it did before. And don't even get me started on food.

Concerning amenities. I thought that doing without the things I took for granted would make me independent. It only makes me hate washing my clothes by hand and buying my own toilet paper.

Concerning the people. I thought I would have a blasty blast "discovering my heritage". I have become irritated with my classmate's naivety. It annoys me how the smallest things seem to excite them. Since I am taking 1st semester classes (I'm still learning the language) I am stuck with people straight out of high school. And even then, I am one of the youngest in the class.

Concerning myself. I thought this experience would make me braver. I've never been so scared in my life.
I thought that I would become a better person by being here. Instead, I have only discovered more faults. I know that change doesn't come overnight. But I am certainly not even close to being on that road. I wanted to become selfless. Instead, I only do things if there is something in it for me. I thought that here I would have some sort of epiphany of what I wanted to do with my life. Instead I am stuck in the same rut of self-doubt and frustration. I thought that my spanish would dramatically improve. I find myself still stumbling over past-tense verbs.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate being here. I wanted this. I needed an escape. I had things to find, goals to reach. But right now it feels like I'm not getting anywhere. I need to get off my butt and do something.

Tormenta

These people act like they've never seen a storm before. There must be about 10 girls huddled around the entrance to the dorm just peering out the window. The deans aren't letting anybody leave because of the "danger." Sucks for me, I wanted to go to "grupo pequeño." I can't really blame them though, seeing as it hardly ever rains here, let alone storm. I on the other hand, love thunderstorms. Which is kinda weird because I used to be terrified of them when I was a kid. Hmm, don't really know what happened there.

Today was kinda frustrating. As I've mentioned before, I am on a restricted diet. It's pretty hard because the food here sucks as it is and now I'm having to pick and choose what I can eat. They don't have a lot of food options (we have rice at least twice a day, literally). Pretty much, all I can eat is bread, crackers, rice, fruit juice (with purified water), beans, and cooked carrots and beets when they have it. I am so sick of this! It was bad enough getting used to the food before, now it's even worse. I think breakfast is the hardest for me. I always wake up starving in the mornings and I arrive only to find...restrictions. I can't have the hot cereal because ít's made with milk. I can't have yogurt. No raw fruit (it's not like they're gonna cook the fruit just for me). No dry cereal because it's made from toasted seeds and could still be possibly contaminated with some sort of nastiness. No soy milk. So what, you may ask, do I eat at breakfast? Well today it was two little sandwiches (they don't have condiments here either) made with gluten-and that was only after I picked out the remnants of egg. Oh and "coffee" which really isn't coffee, it's kind of like the Bolivian version of Roma. Ugh. So you get the picture. Ok happy thoughts now...

Today I also starred in a segment for this month's mission spotlight.

Debbie downer

I WILL NOT ALLOW OTHERS TO DETERMINE MY MOOD!

On that note, today was okay. Went to my spanish teacher's house to take my exam (which I missed because of Typhoid-wow I feel like I can use that excuse for just about everything and get away with it haha) only to be sent back because she forgot the exam...AGAIN. This is like the 2nd time it's happened but I don't really mind. I only have one class on tuesdays, but it's also my hardest-Psychology. Don't get me wrong, I love learning about personalities and crazy mental disorders but it's so much harder in spanish (shocker). I was also to take an exam in this class. After a few days of stressing and worrying over studying for this exam, I come to class only to discover that I was to write everything I had learned in Psyc. and THAT would be my exam. Great. Don't get me wrong, I knew my stuff, but it just wasn't the same as taking a regular test! I find it so much harder to write in Spanish. Multiple choice is so much easier. Also, I missed the first two weeks of this class because I accidentally attended another class...long story. So this whole time, I've kinda been lagging behind and struggling. Furthermore, nobody ever tells me what's going on, for example, yesterday I was "late" to class because I wasn't informed that for that one day class started an hour early. I don't know how many class periods I have missed in all my classes because of illness or traveling. It sucks getting behind. It's frustrating.

I'm tired. Had to change dorms rooms today because they're using it and the room next to it as guest rooms from now on. Wow that last sentence was quite redundant. Speaking of being tired, I think I'm gonna do a quick online Bible study (I'm part of a small group-hey, can't hurt right?) and hit the hay. 6 AM culto is calling my name...love you all.

Corre corre!!

I am not an early bird. Here we have to get up around 5 every morning to go to culto at 6. IT IS SO HARD! Needless to say, I've "officially" missed culto twice and both times coincidentally the stricter dean has been on duty. The one who gives punishments for those who are absent. So this morning, instead of doing some weird lunges exercise like the other girls, I asked if I could just go jogging. And off I went! Little did she know that running is probably one of my favorite activities of all time. :) Good morning world.

"Where you gonna go to escape from yourself?"

I walked into my room tonight to the sound of Switchfoot's song "Dare You to Move." That song must've come out when I was like what, 14? What a rush of memories. Good ones too. It's funny how life has a way of working things out. Back then I never would have thought I would be living in Bolivia, yet here I am. Having the time of my life. It still hasn't hit me that I'm going to be living here for a whole year. Life is strange. And beautiful.

I have a lot to be thankful for

To the girl who comforted me when I was sobbing over that stupid IV in my arm

To the lady who made me food after she learned I was put on a restricted diet

To the girl who wrote me a little note of encouragement and prayed with me when I was scared

To the girl who stayed with me when I was all alone and miserable

To the boy who asks how I am, and is sincere about it

To all my friends who love me back at home

To my family for supporting me

To the pastor who told me that God could only help me if I believed He could

To the doctor who has inspired me

To the ones who look out for me here

To the ones who look out for me there

To the boy who believes in me

To the teacher who goes out of her way to help me learn Spanish

To the girl with a constant smile on her face even though it annoys me sometimes

To the girl I’ve never met but who understands nonetheless

To the boy with the faith that I lack

To all those who have shown this little white girl the ropes

Thank you

Contradiction

I don’t need attention to be happy

I don’t need chocolate to be happy

I don’t need to prove myself to be happy

I don’t need boys to be happy

I don’t need facebook to be happy

I don’t need to outdo everyone else to be happy

I don’t need my computer to be happy

I don’t need a perfect outer appearance to be happy

I don’t need approval to be happy

I don't need things to always go my way to be happy



But yet I do

Frosted Flakes

I am so pissed.
But before I get to that let me explain my situation. I am currently recovering from Typhoid and am on a very restricted diet. Basically I can’t eat anything dairy or raw, everything has to be made with boiled purified water or cooked thoroughly. It hasn’t really been hard picking and choosing what I can eat, cheese and milk have never really appealed to me, but what I do miss are fruit and salads.
Anyways, so here I am waiting at breakfast this morning along with my table to get in line. While we are waiting I notice the food, the end of the line there were 2 glorious serving bowls of…FROSTED FLAKES. I was so excited!! This kind of food was a rarity and had only been served once before, and even though I couldn’t eat my cereal with milk, I used coffee and it was still pretty good. I think you can imagine my giddiness. While we were waiting to be called, the girls at my table all left one by one to serve themselves cereal. Except for me. I have a problem with people who don’t wait their turn. I think it’s disrespectful and impolite. But this time it didn’t really bother me for I had something to look forward to. In a very short time I would be able to eat my Frosted Flakes too!
When we finally got called, I went through the whole line empty handed (except for my coffee which would be poured into my cereal and a piece of bread) for I was awaiting the grand prize. By the time I got to my precious cereal, I noticed that it was diminishing quickly, but I didn’t really worry about it. Until I saw several different girls cut in front of me and the girl in front of me to serve themselves cereal. And oh man, did these girls go out, they didn’t just serve themselves one cup of cereal, but two, even though they had just served themselves before we were even called to go join the line. I wanted to say something so badly. But mild-mannered Briana would never do such a thing. Needless to say by the time I got to the cereal, I was only able to collect the mere crumbs from the bottom of the bowl, about 1/4 of a cup.
So then I thought (being the optimist I am) maybe they had more and could refill. Instead the cafeteria lady brought out 2 large bowls of this cereal made of assorted toasted seeds (which by the way I am prohibited to eat.) I was so pissed. Here I am with 2 cups of coffee and frosted flakes crumbs. After 30 seconds of eating that, I turned to my piece of bread, only to discover it was filled with cheese.
Why do people have to be so selfish? Why can’t they just wait their turn? Do they know how to be considerate? I thought these were things you learned in kindergarten. Maybe it’s childish and immature for me to complain about this, but frankly I do not care. I know I need to work on my patience, but where do you draw the line? I was starving this morning.

God

I find it immensely hard to believe in God. How can you believe in someone without trust? How can you trust if you don’t have faith? As of right now, I cannot honestly say I love God. How can I love someone I don’t even know?
It’s not like I have a reason NOT to believe in God, it’s just, I feel like I have never experienced Him. Don’t get me wrong, I want so badly to know Him, but I just don’t know how. Every time I go to the Bible, I just get more confused. When I go to church and listen to the sermons I feel inferior. I feel left out. A lot of times the message goes right over my head. This is coming from someone with an incredibly abstract mind! But when it comes to the Bible, I can’t handle abstract. I need concrete. I need tangible, something easily grasped. When I sing the hymns and worship songs, I find myself getting angry because I don’t believe what I’m singing. I feel like a hypocrite so a lot of times I don’t sing at all. I’m tired of everyone else’s interpretations of God. I want to find Him on my own.
Sometimes I think it’s easier for people to “find God” if they haven’t had a religious upbringing. Born and raised an Adventist, I “loved” God because it was all I ever knew. I wouldn’t have dared questioned my faith. I wouldn’t have dared asked the question why do I believe what I believe. I was baptized in 8th grade because my friends did it and I didn’t want to be left out. In high school, I would be moved to tears at Vespers. Now I realize emotions are fickle. They come and go. Sure, maybe the worship services moved me in some way, but when they would have an altar call, I would go only if other people were going. I thought I believed and loved God because I was on a spiritual high.
I don’t even know if I have ever had a real relationship with Christ. After all, what does a relationship with Him feel like? There I go again, feelings. I feel too much. I think too much. I don’t do enough. I have told that a relationship with God isn’t based on feelings. Okay…so what is it based on? Love? Trust? Faith? I think the first thing you need to start this relationship with God is faith. There’s the problem. I don’t have faith. Therefore, I can’t believe in God. It’s impossible.
Why is it suddenly so hard for me to believe? Is it okay to ask God for a sign? To dare Him to reveal Himself to me? You know those testimonies you always hear about how they were addicted to drugs or alcohol or prostitution…whatever, and how they hit rock bottom and God made them see the light? Well, I was never like that. I am not perfect, but I was never a “bad kid”. It’s easier to see God when there’s no light at the end of your tunnel. I don’t want it to come to this.
Or maybe it already has.
God isn’t the only thing I am confused about in my life. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I believe in. I don’t even know what to believe anymore. Why should I believe? I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Sure, I have a ton of ideas but I don’t believe in myself. I don’t believe that I can do something great with my life. I find myself feeling scared a lot. Approaching people has never really been a problem for me until now. Asking people for help is nearly impossible. I have my irrational fears too. I am terrified of flying. For some reason, I feel like I’m going to die every time I get on a plane. I literally worry myself sick before traveling. I have never felt this way before.
As terrible as it sounds, God’s sacrifice means nothing to me. He gave His son to die for us, so we can have eternal life. People die, horrible, gruesome deaths every day. What about the AIDS stricken children in Africa? What about the countless car accidents teenagers have each year? They don’t deserve this either! How is the death of Jesus any different? I don’t see how one man saved a whole world from death. If you think about it, we are born to die. And because of Jesus’s death we have a shot at Heaven? When I think of heaven, I think of a big happy place in the sky. It doesn’t seem real to me. Maybe one of the reasons I’m skeptical, is it all seems too good to be true. My mind can’t comprehend the purpose of Heaven or the gift of Christ.
And what did we even do to deserve the pain and suffering we face every day? Wasn’t it Eve’s fault for eating that fruit? Why does the rest of the world have to suffer because of what she did? So many questions…sometimes I wish I had my own personal little yoda to give me a wise word of advice every now and then.
So what do I believe? I believe that there are evil forces out to get us. But if there is such a thing as Satan then there must be such a thing as God. I believe that there probably IS a God out there, I just don’t know how to believe IN Him. I don’t know HOW to have trust in Him. Is it a “oh man I really hope I’m doing this right” kind of blind faith that I need? Do I just read the Bible the best I can and hope and pray that what I’m reading is true?
I am jealous of those people who just radiate Christ. You know the ones, always chipper, always so enthusiastic about their faith. But then I hear them speak, and I know that something somehow had to have inspired them. It’s beautiful. But it makes me feel so bitter. I want so badly what they have. Is it easier for some people to believe in God than others? They’re on fire for God, but this only discourages me.
I have been mulling all this over since the beginning of this year. I think I have gotten a little better. I am learning slowly to talk to God-about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I talk to Him about my doubts and fears and it helps me feel a little better to get it off my chest. I don’t really know what else to do other than pray sincerely to Him and hope for the best.
God, if you really and truly are there, reveal yourself to me. I want to believe in you. Show me how to. Open up my eyes.

sometimes you just have to make a list

careers that appeal to me: foreign languages teacher, pediatrician, social scientist, contortionist for cirque du soleil, infectious diseases doctor (or whatever the heck they're called), actress, psychologist, chef...but then again maybe not hehe, travel agent, tour guide, marine biologist, dolphin trainer???, personal trainer, dietician, interior designer



over my dead body: housewife, accountant, engineer, nuclear physicist, mathematician, plumber, anything with computers, anything in a cubicle (too many distractions), anything where I'm forced to sit for long periods of time (not enough distractions), zookeeper, banker, secretary, salesperson, nurse, nanny, electrician, construction worker, stock broker


I'll add more later

Oh the things I would do...

(originally written approx. 3 weeks ago)

As I sit here nervously gnawing into a bar of chocolate, waiting to board the flight from Cochabamba to La Paz, I started thinking of all the things I would rather do than fly in an airplane. Now those of you that know me well are aware of my irrational fear of aviation and I will declare it again: I HATE FLYING! People ask me how I can be scared of flying ... hmm let's see, maybe it's the fact that you're traveling at a high rate of speed 30,000 Feet in the air in a piece of TIN. How can you NOT be scared?! I think the only way I would feel 100% comfortable on a flight is by being drugged into a medically induced coma before boarding. All of a sudden, psychiatric help is starting to appeal to me now ...
Ok enough with the sob story. enjoy.

THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN FLY
1.) Lick a handrail
2.) Start a conga line in the cafeteria
3.) Climb Tunari barefoot (if you do not know what this is, look it up.)
4.) Serenade a random stranger
5.) Travel via bus
6.) Travel via train
7.) Travel via subway
8.) Travel via boat
9.) Travel via Big Wheel
10.) TRAVEL VIA ANYTHING THAT DOES NOT LAUNCH ME 5,000,000,000 FEET INTO THE AIR
11.) Give a speech on nuclear physics. in Spanish
12.) Fast for a day
13.) Sleep in a hut for a week
14.) Walk
15.) Eat an entire plate of chuño (again, look this up.)
16.) Ride an ostrich
17.) Go fishing
18.) Stub my toe
19.) Sing the Bolivian national anthem at a futbol game
20.) Babysit
21.) Decorate a Christmas tree
22.) Community Service
23.) Learn Icelandic
24.) Yodel
25.) Contemplate Stoicism
26.) Meet Evo Morales
27.) Donate blood
28.) Wear a dress made entirely of barf bags (and really? How is anyone supposed to vomit in one of these things? Have you seen them? They are tiny! We need some Hefty up in here ...)
29.) Pushups. Enough said.
30.) Swim in the Caribbean
31.) Dog movie marathon, you know the ones where the good ol the poor family dog saves child from drowning in a well / being eaten by a bear / a runaway hot-air balloon and so on.

38 minutes later ...
Oh hey! I'm in LA PAZ!

UPDATE!!!

Hey all:) I can not believe I have been here over a month!! I'm contemplating catching everyone up or just starting from here on out...how bout a little of both! Here goes...

I can't really describe what I felt when I first got here at the Universidad Adventista de Bolivia but the first two weeks were pretty gloomy for me. I was constantly in a state of depression/anxiety/fear. I was not prepared for how different it was here. I never thought I would experience culture shock. Nobody smiled at me, everyone stared, the food made me sick, the altitude made me lethargic, and when I heard all the rules, (I'll get to that later) I had to double check to make sure I hadn't stumbled upon a convent. My usual thought processes went something like this: "WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING COMING HERE ALL ALONE AND STAYING FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR?!?!"

At the end of the first week I got very sick. I think it was a mixture of stress and the dog *ahem* I mean, chicken I ate in the neighboring pueblo of Quillacollo. I woke up in the middle of the night extremely dehydrated and vomiting like there was no tomorrow. Nothing says "Welcome to Bolivia" like
1.) having dry heaves,
2.)random doctors having to skip out on church to tend to the poor lil american girl, (God bless him) and trying to explain my symptoms in a language that is not my own (ps diarrhea is the same in spanish as it is in english)
3.)getting an injection in my hip, (only because I kept throwing up the anti-throwing up pill)
4.) and lying in a deathbed thousands of miles away from home. Ok so it wasn't quite that bad...but to say the least, I was not a happy camper.

Three days, and 25 pounds later (kidding), I was back and kicking! Thank God for coca tea.

While my sickness subsided, I became aware of the way of life here. Enjoy.
1.) Wake up at 5 every morning for "culto" (worship) And on Sabbath we have like, 5 different cultos! haha...
2.) If you decide to sleep in (God forbid) and miss culto you will be punished (see above picture)
3.) Skirts are required for every meal and for both worships every day. Did I mention they have to be 3 inches below the knee? We're rockin the Ellen White look here ;)
4.) I can't leave the campus whenever my heart desireth like I could back at SAU, you have to have signed permission from the deans in order to leave.
5.) They turn off all the lights in the dorm at 11PM and turn them back on at 5AM so you have no choice but to wake up.

I missed my freedom dearly. How was I ever to survive?!

Well I have survived, very well actually. No, waking up before dawn hasn't gotten any easier, and it's really hard to find skirts to wear everyday. But I have adjusted and I have adapted and...I am happy. I've come so far since I've gotten here! I look back at those first 2 weeks and can't help but chuckle to myself. I don't really know what it was that changed my perspective, but I really like it here. The weather is beautiful, we have sunny, blue skies everyday. The flowers are starting to bloom. The food doesn't make me feel icky anymore. I can understand my teachers. People smile at me now. I have friends (with whom I can carry on a semi-educated conversation in spanish hehe). The altitude doesn't really bother me anymore, in fact, I go running in the mornings to build up my endurance.

I am so glad to have been given this wonderful oppurtunity.

I am going to be juuuust fine.

Love you all, till next time
-Bri

Familia!

I met some family in Santa Cruz where I stayed with them for a couple days before I was off to Cochabamba to start school.

Farewell America

As I'm sitting here at my gate at the Miami Intl. airport waiting for my plane to depart for Bolivia, a million thoughts are rushing through my head. Excitement, of course, overrules all other emotions. Looking around, I see that most of the people waiting alongside me are native Bolivians and I realize that I am going to their country, their home. I will live among them, speak their language, learn with them, worship with them, laugh with them, eat their food...And for 12 months, I will be one of them. A little part of me is apprehensive and slightly scared because I have no idea what to expect. I have grown up in the most privileged country on the planet and quite frankly, have gotten used to the American way of life. Things are going to be changing. I know it's not always going to be easy, but I guess that's where trust in God comes in. I have been told that He doesn't give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of boldness for Him. I know I will be tested. I am starting a new chapter in my life. I hope to gain many things on this journey. I want to learn Spanish. I want to discover my heritage. I want to explore South America. But most importantly, I want to find God for myself. Hopefully I'll learn a few things about myself along the way.

Last goodbyes

लास्ट फरेवेल्ल्स

विजिटिंग माय फ्रिएंड्स इन chatty

माय मोम एंड i

Last weekend at home

Kenzie, Katie, and I