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Questions, Control and Peace

I don't have control over people's actions.

I don't have control over people's opinions of me.

I don't have control over the weather, the economy, or my flight.

I don't have control over my family's health.

I don't have control over whether I live to see tomorrow.

What is it that bugs me so much about not having control? The real question is, how do these things NOT bother other people? How are people so content with trusting their lives to God when their very future is uncertain? How can you be so content in leaving everything "in God's hands"? The hope of Heaven? Having led a good life serving God? That's just not good enough for me.

I don't really know where I developed this want for control. I'm not what you'd consider a "control" freak. I am not even close to being a perfectionist, and I hate planning things in advance. I guess what I really fear is uncertainty. Yeah, that's it, fear of the unknown. 


This is part of the reason why I trust few. Why I choose to be independent and not rely so much on others. As I've said before, I cannot control people's actions, so why trust them in the first place? The conflicting part to all this is that I naturally reach out to people. What comes next is sort of a contradiction. Either I choose to open up, or I become guarded. Lately (within the last couple years) it's been the latter. What happens as a result however, is loneliness. Sure, I have plenty of acquaintances and classmates, but I much prefer a deep relationship over a superficial one - I am not going to waste my time. Can you see where this become problematic? I'm independent, yet yearn for deep human connection. I open up because of my nature, but I'm cautious to trust. There are so many things I cannot control, so I feel that I am better off alone. I have control over my actions, reactions, thoughts and emotions (well ok, sometimes). But what do I want?

I want friends. Not classmates, flings, or acquaintances, friends. 


I want a husband someday who will respect and adore me, and a marriage that lasts.

I want good health for my family and I.

I want a long, fulfilling life.

But I am not guaranteed any of this. No one is.

How the hell am I supposed to live then?

Diary of a Mad White Woman

So, I just got back from wedding #6 (or something like that) this year. Sometimes weddings make me happy, sometimes they make me angry. However by this time, I've really stopped caring. It doesn't even phase me anymore to see more and more people my age getting engaged etc. At first it was like, "whoah, these kids are getting married...is this something I should be working on?! I don't even have a boyfriend!." But now I just realize that I'm just not that person.

I've never been the girl who's been planning their wedding since age 6.

I've never been the girl with a steady flow of boyfriends. In fact, I have only had one official boyfriend, and it was in high school. So, essentially I've never been in a serious relationship.

I pride myself on my independence. I don't need other people to survive. Don't get me wrong, I am a huge social butterfly, I love getting together with friends, and I can talk your ear off. But I like to do things by myself, my own way, without anyone's approval.

Yes, I am independent. But what a lot of people don't know is that I'm also bitter. Wow, that took a little courage to write. I've had my fair share of heartbreak and to be completely honest, I haven't had one "happy" relationship.

Not one.

They've all turned out badly. I've had dudes leave me for the Army, I've had dudes lead me on and then "oh, you didn't actually want a relationship did you?", I've dated dudes where everything was nice and dandy and then one day they just stopped talking to me (seriously? where are your balls?). And in every single situation, the guy ends up with a new girlfriend while I remain alone still heartbroken. I wish I were exaggerating.

So I don't really know where I'm going with this rant but for right now I'll conclude with this. Fuck you and your cutesy little couple pictures where you're standing in the middle of some field catching the last rays of a summer afternoon. Fuck your little love notes (or whatever you kids do these days) and your inside jokes. Fuck your fun-filled date nights. Fuck your engagements because you're young and stupid and probably not going to last. Fuck the next person who asks me whether "my special day" is coming up and double fuck you if they react with a "that long?" when I tell them to ask me again in 6 years (I'm only 21 for goodness sake!) Fuck you and your love bliss bullshit.

I told you I was bitter.

I will never stop running

http://www.runnersworld.co.uk/racing/20-races-to-do-before-you-die/3594.html

Great Wall or Two Oceans marathon anyone?

sin mirar atras

Gotta love midnight revelations. Though I can't say that this is much of a revelation as I've been struggling with this intermittently for exactly a year now. What is it about emotional hurt that causes it to want to linger and linger? I don't like it, but strange as it sounds, sometimes it felt good to wallow.

But I'm done now.

For the sake of my sanity.

For the sake of my future.

For the sake of my well-being.

For me. 


I am done. Life should be about moving forward. About not letting things get to you so much. I cannot move forward if I do not let go of the past. Maybe someday I'll find someone worthwhile. But in the meantime I am going to pour every damn part of me into the things that matter: school, my family, my true friends, becoming a better person. It truly is up to me to decide how I react to life. I choose to rise above.

Watch me.

ayyy Dios

Le pido que me ayuda este semestre y los años que me faltan.

Breathe.

Organize.

Do.