To Each Their Own (I guess)

I just read something that disturbed me a little. It was disturbing because I could not relate to it nor really wrap my mind around this sentiment. So I stumbled upon a friend of a friend's blog right? In one of her posts she was kind of updating her life (she had graduated and gotten married). She made mention that being a wife and mother was her lifetime dream. This is not the first time I've heard something like this, but I have a question: what is the appeal in solely wanting to be a mommy and a wife? Sure, at some point if it happens, then yeah, more power to you. But making those things your lifetime goals? I see that as very ambitionless. Again, I am not against motherhood or marriage in the least. What I do have a really hard time relating to however, is the fact that people have the mindset that this should be a necessity in life. That this should be something they work and look forward to their entire lives - as if anything "less" is appalling. Why even bother going to school then if you're just going to be sitting pretty with your charming all-american husband bringing home the bacon? Ayy, call me whatever you like, but I will never have the abovementioned mindset. If it is God's will that I am single until the last of my dying days, then so be it. I would have absolutely no qualms about it. I have never been the girl who has been planning their wedding since childhood. To this day I have zero expecations or ideas for a wedding other than I will probably be wearing a dress (then again maybe not, gender equality bitches!). I have never been the type to constantly play house and role play husbands and wives and kids etc. Why? Because these are not my lifetime dreams. Would I like to get married someday? Absolutely. Maybe even have kids down the road too. But am I counting on it? No. Am I dreaming of the day when that will happen? No, not really. I believe God has a pretty terrific plan for my life. One that may or may not include another person. And I'm ok with that. In the meantime, I will work on myself, grow closer to God, go on adventures, grow, laugh, live and be perfectly content with the life I have NOW.

Hope pt. 2

Everything is going to be just fine. Yeah breaking up is hard, but thank God for intuition and the peace that comes with making the right decision.

That's all I have to say about that.

Words of Hope

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Revelation 21:1-4

Sometimes I just don't understand why things work out the way they do. I am trying so hard to cling to the fact that God knows what's best for me. I just have to allow him to do that...it's the hardest thing in the world. My heart is so heavy and sad. The day before yesterday I broke up with a man I loved and cared for deeply. I am downtrodden, I keep thinking of the good times, and I'm pretty tired. But every once in a while I see a little glimmer of hope...a speck of normalcy. Every once in a while God opens my eyes to things such as the verse above and for a moment, even if it's just a moment, I feel hope.

My heart is completely broken. God please help me.

Steps to Christ

If we will but listen, God's created works will teach us precious lessons of obedience and trust. From the stars that in their trackless courses through space follow from age to age their appointed path, down to the minutest atom, the things of nature obey the Creator's will. And God cares for everything and sustains everything that He has created. He who upholds the unnumbered worlds throughout immensity, at the same time cares for the wants of the little brown sparrow that sings its humble song without fear. When men go forth to their daily toil, as when they engage in prayer; when they lie down at night, and when they rise in the morning; when the rich man feasts in his palace, or when the poor man gathers his children about the scanty board, each is tenderly watched by the heavenly Father. No tears are shed that God does not notice. There is no smile that He does not mark. If we would but fully believe this, all undue anxieties would be dismissed. Our lives would not be so filled with disappointment as now; for everything, whether great or small, would be left in the hands of God, who is not perplexed by the multiplicity of cares, or overwhelmed by their weight. We should then enjoy a rest of soul to which many have long been strangers.

Hear My Prayer Oh Lord

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again; Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 

Philippians 4: 4-9

This is just what I needed to hear...I have been reflecting on this all day. Thank you Jesus. Be with me at this time, hear my earnest prayer, grant me wisdom, clarity, and comfort. I want to follow only your will for my life and nothing else. 

Let's Talk About Running

I've been feeling more pensive than usual lately. A lot has happened. My relationship ended on New Year's  day (I can't help to find the timing hilarious), a new semester in school started, and I've started training for a couple marathons. I'm surprised at how well I've been coping with the break up, it's not like I didn't see it coming. I feel like I was grieving the relationship being over while still in it. My immediate feeling was relief. Now of course, I can't help but to think about the memories (blah blah blah), which can be painful, but alas life moves on. Life isn't going to sit around and wait for me to get over heartache.

Looking back on my life, there have been people that have come and gone. Experiences that were once monumental, are now little slivers of my memory. Some things are almost forgotten while some are forever vibrantly etched into my mind. Regardless on the type of impact people, places and experiences have left on my life, there are very few things that have remained constant. 

Running is not one of those things. 

I can truly say that running is part of what defines me. 

Turtle

I need to be more like a turtle with a hard shelled exterior and the ability to let things roll right off my back. I can't let other people get to me so much.

I am

Passionate

Obsessive

Goofy

Analytical (sometimes even overly analytical)

Nostalgic

Wallowing

Indecisive...(or  is it flexible?)

Horrible at directions

Free spirited

Deeply introspective

Honest

Truth seeking, no matter how ugly

Earnest

Adventurous

Seeking

January 2. I am officially single again.

Robot Heart

Emotions are silly things; you can't underestimate them. Though many times fickle, they have the potential to influence your outlook and govern your actions. Blurring the line between disillusion and reality. Emotions are powerful and scary. I am swarming with emotions right now. Deep down inside, I have a "feeling" that tells me to run. But if I do, I'll have negative feelings too. Heartache, despair, anger, sorrow. It's a catch 22 really, and it's not fair.

I used to blog all the time. Now I just blog when something is weighing heavily on my heart. I'm on the verge of getting my heart broken. Emotions are nothing new to me, but I don't feel like I can process sorrow right now. I don't want my heart to hurt. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to miss anyone. It takes me forever to grieve, to move on, and become whole again. I don't feel very strong or capable of doing these things right now. Stupid emotions. I wish I had a robot heart.