I feel terrible

I just wish people could understand. I almost feel guilted into believing in God. It hurts, because I'm hurting people I love. People who think they have failed as a parent...I don't know what to do, I don't know what I believe. I know why I don't  believe though. I keep second guessing myself. Maybe they're right. Maybe I am choosing not to believe. Maybe I'm purposefully ignoring God. Maybe I don't want to believe. I JUST DON'T KNOW. I feel terrible and guilty but I just can't comply. That would be fake and if there's something that I don't ever want to be, it's to be a hypocrite. If I believe in something, I want to believe with all my heart. And right now, I just can't do that.