I just wanna cry and hold someone and cry and be held by someone and be consoled by wise wise words.
But mostly I just wanna cry. And feel better. :( Every time this happens to me the world feels like a bleak place and I feel like it will never go back to normal (even though I know from experience that it will). I thought I would be doing the right thing and that I did it for me to help me get over it faster. But now I'm having second thoughts. I DON'T FEEL BETTER AT ALL! In fact, I feel a lot worse. I mean, I still think I did the right thing but it really really sucks. It's like I've extinguished every last ray of hope that I had wishfully kept around. It was my way of making it final. Of saying goodbye for realz. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!
And I don't care if I sound like a freaking emotionally unstable pathetic train wreck. I don't care, because this is exactly how I feel and maybe by blogging about it, it would ease the pain a little. Why the hell does this always happen to me? I deserve (and am completely capable of) a healthy committed relationship. I guess I'm partly to blame, I should have judged and seen things for how they really were instead of perceived and idealized. But now that I think of it, I did both. Which led me to my final decision to just end it. I bounce back and forth between hating and loving, missing and regretting. Right now I'm missing and loving. Love's a strong word, so, "liking." And dwelling. I can't shake this. Maybe I don't want to. I don't want to forget and move on. But I have to, I'm just hurting myself. I don't want to one day resent him like I have the others. But I probably will one day when I come to my senses. I don't wanna let go of all the memories. Good heavens we traveled south america together!!! Well I'm gonna go get lost in some Algebra homework. I'll probably add more later.
No comments:
Post a Comment