Repercussions

I used to think that getting help was for people with problems. More specifically, I thought going to a counselor was for crazies. I thought that in seeking help, some label would be put on me like "abnormal", "unfortunate", "child abuse victim". Well I didn't want any of that. I wanted to be normal, I didn't want to have problems.

So I pushed it all away, a talent that I was forced to acquire at a young age. I shut it out. I convinced myself that I didn't need help, that I was going to grow up to be completely normal, and that I wouldn't experience the repercussions of abuse . I sunk into denial. This was my mentality for ten years.

Maybe I wasn't ready to talk about it, but it wasn't until the last 2 years or so that I started coming to a realization. I saw issues in my life and slowly, I could see the correlation between my past and the present. Repercussions.  I didn't think that the effects could be indirect. I thought that since I wasn't a druggie, prostitute, or institutionalized that my childhood had no negative effect on me whatsoever.

I was wrong.

Eating disorders, anxiety, fear, low self-esteem and insecurity, constant need for attention...

Yes, I had problems. It was in Bolivia that I admitted this to myself and took the enormous step of getting help. It was very scary. I was going places mentally that I hadn't gone in a decade. Synonymous to that dark, dusty corner in the attic, my past was something that I had not gone to or even allowed myself to think about. I started experiencing anxiety attacks, and I felt very very alone. I made it though, with my counselor, and my wonderful friend Arturo who would listen to my crying rants time and time again. Wow. Talk about solace. If I had to argue God's existence in my life, that would be it right there.

I still have problems. But I am not ashamed. In fact, I will boldly state that I think everybody needs counseling at some point in their lives because we live in a fucked up world. I was going to go into a re-telling of how hard today's session was, but I think I'm just going to go to bed as I have a pounding headache and a research paper I have to get up bright and early for. Maybe things will look clearer in the morning.